These few days have given me time for reflection. And first I'd like to bid adieu to my darling blog which has stayed with me for the past year and a half. Mind you I have reasons for deleting that blog, which I rather not disclose here. Seeing that if I did, I would have to delete this as well. Mums the word. I miss that blog though. Oh whatever.


Anyways, on the reflection agenda:


I've done too many things I regret. I barely know what I want in life anymore. I see the destination but I have no idea which path to take. I've learnt sometimes it’s easier just to shut up and apologize.

It's not that I enjoy being a rebel, it's not my fault I do not agree to your way of life. The monotone affects me in more ways than one. It pulls me down, making the colors meld into a bland gray, when can I admit to you, everything that I’ve done. I don’t want to hurt you, I rather give you a mellowed down version.

The day I can tell you of how I've loved and lost, of crazy times with my friends, of my real life, that day is far. I don’t want to hurt you, so I lie. You won't be able to accept that this person is your daughter. I have tried to be who you want me to, but I can't. I work hard, and all I get is mediocrity, so why even bother?


I want to argue my point, stand my ground and be brave like some of my friends, who I admire so much for being able to live the life they want with the sole reasoning that its their choice; its their life. I want so much to be like you, yet I want to be like others too, those who throw themselves into their work relinquishing all their play time just striving towards a bright future that is all but promised to them.


I'm caught in the middle really; Neither here nor there. Lost in all senses. I don't see how I could be so utterly hopeless at everything I do. Maybe everything about me really is wrong. I want to have a fun life. Temptation is a fair weather friend indeed.


Dark tendrils of temptation
The enticing glimmer of sin
The glint in every eye
As temptation is held within


It's so hard sometimes, when things get so tough. When you just want to give up. It's so easy to just break. Succumb, go back to the life that’s so easy, that's so fun. But then again I know what I want. I guess everything is good in small quantities. I shouldn't over indulge.


They hover in the shadows
They’re but distant sound
Beckoning and calling
Waiting to be found


I now know how it feels to want. To want so bad that it chokes, the want pushing against my being. Against the walls of my eyes, my skin, my fingertips. You're my addiction. Why is it so easy to fall? Down to unknown depths, the blackness surrounding you, seeping through your pores and crushing you. And yet, it takes forever to pick yourself up and climb out of that hole. Life is strange indeed.


I wish you would listen. You say you are, but all you do is hear me. Do you listen? Take the time to understand where I am coming from and then decide? Why is it so easy to take someone else's side? Why is it so hard to believe me? I wish I were more eloquent, I wish I didn't have to put you through all this pain, but karma is such that you've got me as a daughter.


I'm terrible really, so today as I sit here dreading what is to come, I'll make myself a promise. I'll just shut up and apologize. I've learnt not to argue anymore. It's easier to just agree. Insolent as it may seem, I know what I did was wrong, but the punishment meted is simply pushing me further away from you. Do you seriously believe that keeping me locked up in a house, without any social interaction other than schoolmates is going to help the situation?


Well these words I speak you'll never hear so why speak them anyway?


Soliloquy of silence
Pauses with no end
Meandering the crevices
Of my vacant mind

Just a question: Does what I say even matter?