Friday, May 19, 2006

Lost

I think I'm at a crossroads and it's showing up in my writing, especially the poetry.

These questions unanswered, answers unquestioned, it's killing me. How is it possible to live life by the rulebook, when half the rules are unwritten? Am I simply supposed to know these things? Am I the only one out there completely and utterly lost, with no direction and a forgotten destination? The map isn't lost, its been torn to bits, burnt and the ashes thrown into the Dead Sea.

Life's just a web of lies, lies we depend on; lies we cling to for the sakes of our sanity - who knew our reality could be tipped so easily. And we turn back, to follow the footsteps of our past, but they're gone. We're stranded really, in the middle of nowhere, with a hazy future, a forgotten past. Yet we cling to hope, a hope for a better day, an un-guaranteed future, and forget the sands of time, which cut our soles so bad, we walk. Step after step. Day in, day out.

Maybe one day it'll be too much, maybe we'll take our last step and collapse - yet we'll live, live for our last breath.

***

Do you stay up wondering?

5:30 AM

Monday, May 15, 2006

Angel's Song

Angel's caress
Soft winter wings
Broken silence of night
As the courageous sing

Strain for release
Sweet temptation abound
Chained to reality
Emitting no sound

A brush of warmth
A touch oh so light
Re-awoken passion
Give up - take flight

My guardian angel
From high above
Sent to disperse
The darkness of love

Yes, yes since Angel insists, its dedicated to her.

6:00 AM

Everything

song by Lifehouse

Pay my words no heed. They make no sense, not even to me. I can feel that tiny pinprick of a crack, it's spreading; the fine lines reaching outwards and soon I'll fall apart from within. Collapsing inwards, retreating into myself and will you be there to pick up the pieces, to draw me out?

You're all I want

It's completely messed up, yet it seems so right. The way your eyes twinkle when you smile. Reality burns, so let us escape - escape into a time and space unknown. Grasp my hand, as we walk the world. Raw emotions, words an extravagance, for I know and you know.

You're all I need

Muffled screams in the middle of the night, a heart wrenching longing unrealized. Recollections of breezy moonlit nights, and tears on chapped lips. Drowning in depth unrealized. Do you know how it is to be pulled under the black water? Your waves fan out, an ethereal beauty lasting for a few moments and your panicked eyes flutter shut as you finally surrender to the murky depths.

You're everything

Swallowed by reality, and then peace. When it all ends. Acceptance. A lackadaisical sense of calm engulfs, as we pretend. Isn't life all about pretence after all? Pretend its all fine. When everything is lost, all we have is the ability to act - To lie to the world and ourselves, yes one day it will be fine.

Everything

***

What do you call this?

2:45 AM

You are such a fucking chav. Seriously. He has nothing, he's ugly as fuck, he's dumbness leads me to exasperation and he has no talent whatsoever but you still think girls should be seen and not heard? Haven't we shown you otherwise? Haven't I gotten into RGS? Hasn't she been excelling in the sports arena? I hate him. And I hate you.

He's a worthless waste of space, that's what I think. There I’ve said it. And you still say "Sharmini, Rohini go help in the kitchen." Its not like we don't have a maid. What is wrong with you? If you don't need to wash the plate neither do we, that's what I call equality.

And why do we have to be the ones who help with chores? I have fuck loads of homework to get done. He doesn't. She has her training to cope with. He doesn't, unless you count his lame excuse of a sport CCA, Cricket. God damn it, nothing against the sport but he's killing it if you know what I mean.

Fuck I know you wish we weren't. You'd rather we were pretty girls who shut up and nod, with no opinions on anything at all and who are but the perfect daughters who are seen and not heard. Whatever. That isn't going to happen, not with me around. And you're so afraid Rohi will turn out like me. Well that's too bad, I'm going to teach her how to walk, talk, sit, stand, BE me. Just to piss you off.

Your worst nightmare. Deal with it. It'd do her some good too. She's exactly like I was when I was her age, so she'll get here in no time; she just needs a shove in the right direction. I could help my brother, but nah. I'll pass. It’s not for nothing that everyone in my social circle who's met him thinks he's a total loser. There are such things as no-hope cases.

Fuck I sound bitchy. I'm going to stop ranting now. Haha more because I'm on the phone than anything else though, I have so much to say on this, but I guess that's for another time.

***

Let's run away - yes you and I

2:11 AM

Sunday, May 14, 2006

What am I supposed to do? Christ, I'm like a stupid kid, pretending to be grown up. All I know is that you made me feel real for the first time in my life. You made me break down barriers I put up. You made me feel, at such a raw level, incompressible, constant confusion; forever searching within myself and clarity is a distant thought. There is certain realness to you that I can't touch. Engulfed in my superficiality, reality burns, singeing pure untainted skin.
Why'd you have to go?
I couldn’t care to continue in this depressing rant.
Do i even matter?
So fuck off.
I guess i should forget it.
Bye.

3:27 AM