Friday, April 07, 2006
First non-emo post
Home, love, family
There once a time
I must have had them too
What do you do, when you become a stranger to your family? I'm lost, home no longer is home, and I don't belong. Tired of searching for lost identity. There is only so much searching one can do before it wears them out, and I've reached that point. I no longer know what I want in life, I no longer know what the future holds, I no longer know what makes me happy.
I've found a bit of myself in someone else, a gentle reminder of the past; a repeat of a memory from so long ago. Inseparable. It’s been so long, yet it seemed like just yesterday. Some bonds just are unbreakable, especially ones that last for eight years.
Well anyways aside from the emotional ramblings, I have great news. Cat gave me great news today. Seven tickets to the Hollaback thingy, I get to chill with my gorgeous sweethearts and catch The Click Five live. This has definitely made my day. Oh gosh I hope my parents let me go.
I'm hyperventilating! Lily's online let me go tell her the great news. Then I'll call grace and squeal with her. Goshgoshgosh! It's so whoa! I hope, pray, wish my mother says yes. It would be awesome. The click five. Oh my gosh. Okay. Breathe.
I'm not feeling extremely coherent don’t mind me while I bounce off the walls in jubilation. I want to scream, its bubbling at the pit of my stomach, and rising to the top popping. I've never felt this happy in a long time. Excitement mingled with pure crazy bimbotic cheeriness. I think my huge smile is scaring my brother.
All I want to do is scream.
Scream. SCREAM. scream. ScReAm.
Well since eloquence clearly isn't going to be part of this entry, you may as well stop reading now. It's like a daydream, but its real. Screamscreamscream. Don't attempt to understand this, you won't. Trust me.
The Click Five. THE click five. As in the: like the real band.
Oh my god. OH MY GOD.
I just love their songs, they're so fluff, they allow for escape into a dream, my very own fairy tale starring me and …yeah right like I'm really going to tell you. Well I'm off to go squeal more. Leave you guys in peace from my highness. Even though I am your highness. Yes I know being unexplainably extremely high makes the lameness kick in.
All right I’m off.
***
Just a question: How is that even possible?
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Words
Pretence is easy. I will keep a straight face. I will not let go, let this lump rise up my throat, and let the tears spill. My eyes are burning, the tears are so close, and I wish I could let you see that I don’t have a hardened heart. I wish you would just leave me alone; we’ve gone over this before, a billion times. Leave me be, your words don’t matter, I don’t care.
I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care.
Tears are brimming, hurry, to stare at the screen and blink them away, you won’t see them, I’ll never cry before you. Do you purposely say things that cause my heart to break? Do you want me to cry? I won’t I won’t. Keep my tears at bay, if you want those children, please leave me, I’m not the daughter you wish for, sadly I’m the one you’ve got. The lump is rising, painful to swallow, yet I will block those words as I have learnt to, not let them near my heart, and stare ahead, unthinking, unfeeling.
Go on try your best, make me cry, make me feel, its not that I don’t feel, I don’t want you to see me feel, for what I feel you will never comprehend. How much I care, how much I love; yet I hate. Hate burns, mingled with swallowed tears, yet I love. It’s a vicious cycle. Your words continue to wash over me.
I don’t care I won’t care.
***
Just a question: Can you regret the best thing in your life?
9:08 AM
Musings
I’ve always harbored a strange obsession over the rain, the sound of the raindrops pummeling against my window, the smell of damp earth all these assault my senses, pushing me to reflection, just as it always does.
The beauty of the world is better appreciated through the soft focus lens that rain provides, looking through the world through that sheet of rainwater distorts things, making things out of focus, no longer sharp. Light merges, and the water creates fuzzy outlines around streetlamps. Even mundane things sparkle with a touch of magic from the drops settled upon them.
I stared out of my window for the longest time, mesmerized by the trickles of water trailing down the glass, tracing the patterns they made with my fingers and simply reveling in the beauty of life. I can’t deny, I contemplated jumping, as I stared down at the ground from above.
Stupid as it may sound, death is a temptation. Life is beautiful, but how great it would feel, to fall, together with my beautiful raindrops, fall to death and never have a care again? To fall freely, let life flash past my eyes, let the wind rush past, just fall. And finally hit the ground, and life would flit away, leaving an empty shell.
Everything we work for, our entire lives, how we slave and toil day in and day out, everything fades away, into nothing. And we go into oblivion, oh sweet bliss. How wonderful it would be to feel nothing at all, never have a worry, or a joy. No feelings. How would it feel to feel nothing at all? Would we just disappear? Cease to exist?
My morbid affiliation to death scares me at times. Death intrigues me. There is a definite pull towards the unknown. I guess I should stop now before anyone thinks I’m suicidal. I’ll keep my musings to myself then.
***
Just a question: If i fell, would you catch me?
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Rain
We played in the rain again, its been ages since I’ve done that, indulge on a childish impulse, something only you could convince me to; to go tearing around in a downpour, reliving our childhood. We ran, barefooted, through the freshly cutgrass, our feet sinking into the warm mud, finally collapsing, next to each other, breathing heavily, completely drenched, yet then, nothing could wipe those smiles off our faces. Yet those times are long gone. The rain, gentle drops on heated skin as we lay in the grass beside each other panting, the drain drops falling on our closed eyelids, our hair in tangles. Teenagers living another day in their childhood, lying in the fields of time.
And as we lay there, under the rain clouds, the sky dark and overcast, your hand reached for mine. A simple gesture, his hand over hers. Her eyes fluttered open and she glanced at him, his face was calm, his eyes still closed. She glanced skywards before she shut her eyes. Both engulfed in their own thoughts, letting the cold rain seep through their clothes and a gentle smile graced her face. Never had she felt happier, her hand in his, lying in the grass with the rain beating down on her face.
***
Just a question: Why am i such a hopeless romantic?
5:29 AM
Crossroads
Life throws us many changes at the most inopportune moments, slamming doors in our faces and just when we are willing to throw in the towel, inching open a window so the light of hope is let in, so maybe just maybe we won’t give up and persist. At what exactly I’m not too sure, but persist I shall until I find out exactly what I am persisting.
Heart don't fail me now
Its times like these when you realize what you really value in life. I can’t believe I nearly let these beautiful friendships slip away. I’ve been drifting, through everything. There’s nothing left to ground me; nothing left to define me. These plastic smiles and hollow laughter sicken me really, but pretence gets easier I guess. But now that I’ve made this decision, I hope I don’t lose heart.
Courage don't desert me
Feelings are in turmoil, I want to let go of this life, yet the pull remains. It will always be there I guess, as long as I wish for it, it will keep beckoning, against my better senses. Truth be told, I wonder what the point of life is sometimes. But now that I’ve made this decision, I hope I have the courage to pull through.
Don't turn back
It’s a decision for the best. Lies must be told just as tears must be shed, it’s all for the best, freedom comes with a price, and one I am unwilling to pay. All I know is there is penance; yet I don’t want to risk the wait. Things like these fade quickly, opportunities as such are like fading light, so easily they slip away. I guess if its meant to be, time should tell, but the wait is such torture.
Now that we're here
I’ve worked so hard just to get back to square one; the irony is such, at least I had fun. Gosh its all these rhymes without reason. There is no reason for the way I feel; I truly don’t understand my state. Everyone seems to be there, to give words of comfort, to hear me out, yet that doesn’t give me any solace. Sure they may listen, they may attempt to understand, but can they really? Do they understand what I’m going through, its not just quitting one thing it’s dropping an entire lifestyle.
People always say
I guess the best would be to suck it up and pretend everything is fine, so they don’t impose their thoughts on me anymore. Counseling isn’t any help, when there isn’t anything wrong, I doubt my reasoning or logic is one they would comprehend, they speak as though I do not regret, maybe it is because that is so, but that is besides the point. Are my words for you to analyze? People always say, exactly so, they say without putting themselves into another’s position. Speaking with a preconceived notion has upset so many, and will continue to do so. Ethnocentrism. So much for applying what we learn in school to daily life.
Life is full of choices
A wrong choice, leading to so many others, regret naturally follows of course. On the other hand if asked if I could do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Those days were some of the best in my life, yet some of the worst at the same time. To live, to love, to breathe freely. Experiences that cannot be recounted, engraved memories and a chance to live; for real. Myriad emotions take control as the heart and mind battle for control. Another choice, to follow the heart, fulfill the want or to let the mind take control, letting logic and sense prevail, in the promise of a future, a future that isn’t even promised to us.
No one ever mentions
It’s easier to gloss over the worst parts of life, easier to pretend they don’t exist. Let our hollow laughter echo in the air. Let our glassy eyes shine, the twinkle long diminished. Let us speak words with no meaning. Let us pretend, pretend in the hopes that one day all this will not be pretence. Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. It seems that’s all we do around here. No on knows why, yet we all do, following an unwritten code of conduct of sorts.
Fear
What is it we fear? What gripes our hearts, preventing us from revealing a soul so pure? Society forces us to hide, behind a hardened mask, sensitivity equated to weakness. To let go and love, love like we have never loved before and live, live like there is no tomorrow. We wander through lives, fear in our eyes, society makes us so, forcing us into a mould, and we hide ourselves, beneath layers of personality. Yet it could be something beautiful, but the world never sees it.
***
Just a question: Is that fear i see in your eyes?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Star
Star light, Star bright
A star, such beauty in a ball of plasma, which is what we would call it if we were to descend into scientific terms, but whatever. Sometimes I feel like life needs a touch of magic, anything that would take the sheer monotony of it away. It would help the pain; allow it to ebb away slowly. But magic is something I can only wish for, wish on a star for a miracle; wish upon a star for my very own star. For isn’t a star a miracle in its own way. Beauty, blazing in distance.
First star I see tonight
A star to hold deep within, so it may ignite the flame in my heart. It blazed strong and high sometime ago, yet now it simmers, all it would take would be a gust of wind to put it out and all that would be left, darkness. Engulfed from within by the dark velvet nothingness of life. Hopefully that start would ignite that flame, and return the twinkle to my eyes. Let its light consume me, and pour out of me, through my eyes. Let my fingertips glow from the light within, let the light repel these waves of nothingness that surround me.
Wish I may; wish I might
God I sound depressed, but thinking of stars as miracles is soothing, it makes magic believable and let you live on, in the hope that one day this magic might come into your life as well and you too will feel blessed with a miracle. The time isn’t far off.
Have the wish I wish tonight
Believe in penance I shall and wait for a happier time. Upon a star I wish; for a better life.
***
Just a question: Will you be my star?
4:08 AM
Soliloquy of a
Rebel
These few days have given me time for reflection. And first I'd like to bid adieu to my darling blog which has stayed with me for the past year and a half. Mind you I have reasons for deleting that blog, which I rather not disclose here. Seeing that if I did, I would have to delete this as well. Mums the word. I miss that blog though. Oh whatever.
Anyways, on the reflection agenda:
I've done too many things I regret. I barely know what I want in life anymore. I see the destination but I have no idea which path to take. I've learnt sometimes it’s easier just to shut up and apologize.
It's not that I enjoy being a rebel, it's not my fault I do not agree to your way of life. The monotone affects me in more ways than one. It pulls me down, making the colors meld into a bland gray, when can I admit to you, everything that I’ve done. I don’t want to hurt you, I rather give you a mellowed down version.
The day I can tell you of how I've loved and lost, of crazy times with my friends, of my real life, that day is far. I don’t want to hurt you, so I lie. You won't be able to accept that this person is your daughter. I have tried to be who you want me to, but I can't. I work hard, and all I get is mediocrity, so why even bother?
I want to argue my point, stand my ground and be brave like some of my friends, who I admire so much for being able to live the life they want with the sole reasoning that its their choice; its their life. I want so much to be like you, yet I want to be like others too, those who throw themselves into their work relinquishing all their play time just striving towards a bright future that is all but promised to them.
I'm caught in the middle really; Neither here nor there. Lost in all senses. I don't see how I could be so utterly hopeless at everything I do. Maybe everything about me really is wrong. I want to have a fun life. Temptation is a fair weather friend indeed.
Dark tendrils of temptation
The enticing glimmer of sin
The glint in every eye
As temptation is held within
It's so hard sometimes, when things get so tough. When you just want to give up. It's so easy to just break. Succumb, go back to the life that’s so easy, that's so fun. But then again I know what I want. I guess everything is good in small quantities. I shouldn't over indulge.
They hover in the shadows
They’re but distant sound
Beckoning and calling
Waiting to be found
I now know how it feels to want. To want so bad that it chokes, the want pushing against my being. Against the walls of my eyes, my skin, my fingertips. You're my addiction. Why is it so easy to fall? Down to unknown depths, the blackness surrounding you, seeping through your pores and crushing you. And yet, it takes forever to pick yourself up and climb out of that hole. Life is strange indeed.
I wish you would listen. You say you are, but all you do is hear me. Do you listen? Take the time to understand where I am coming from and then decide? Why is it so easy to take someone else's side? Why is it so hard to believe me? I wish I were more eloquent, I wish I didn't have to put you through all this pain, but karma is such that you've got me as a daughter.
I'm terrible really, so today as I sit here dreading what is to come, I'll make myself a promise. I'll just shut up and apologize. I've learnt not to argue anymore. It's easier to just agree. Insolent as it may seem, I know what I did was wrong, but the punishment meted is simply pushing me further away from you. Do you seriously believe that keeping me locked up in a house, without any social interaction other than schoolmates is going to help the situation?
Well these words I speak you'll never hear so why speak them anyway?
Soliloquy of silence
Pauses with no end
Meandering the crevices
Of my vacant mind
***
Just a question: Does what I say even matter?
