Pretence is easy. I will keep a straight face. I will not let go, let this lump rise up my throat, and let the tears spill. My eyes are burning, the tears are so close, and I wish I could let you see that I don’t have a hardened heart. I wish you would just leave me alone; we’ve gone over this before, a billion times. Leave me be, your words don’t matter, I don’t care.

I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care.

Tears are brimming, hurry, to stare at the screen and blink them away, you won’t see them, I’ll never cry before you. Do you purposely say things that cause my heart to break? Do you want me to cry? I won’t I won’t. Keep my tears at bay, if you want those children, please leave me, I’m not the daughter you wish for, sadly I’m the one you’ve got. The lump is rising, painful to swallow, yet I will block those words as I have learnt to, not let them near my heart, and stare ahead, unthinking, unfeeling.

Go on try your best, make me cry, make me feel, its not that I don’t feel, I don’t want you to see me feel, for what I feel you will never comprehend. How much I care, how much I love; yet I hate. Hate burns, mingled with swallowed tears, yet I love. It’s a vicious cycle. Your words continue to wash over me.

Just a question: Can you regret the best thing in your life?